The holidays are commonly viewed as a joyful time for family values and spiritual traditions. It is wonderful when we have people to share our joy and time with but it is also common to have difficult, often conflicting, emotions this time of year.
Let’s talk about what is expected during the holidays. External pressures and social expectations to experience the holidays a certain way can be intense. It is considered normal to be joyful and grateful this time of year and some may even feel guilty for having any emotions to the contrary. Spending quality time with family and friends has become almost a requirement and anything less may even be viewed as a failure. However, these holiday expectations and traditions are not realistic for many people and it is actually very common to struggle with anxiety, depression, and other mental health struggles this time of year.
Loss
So many of us have experienced the loss of a loved one, due to death or estrangement, and that loss can be so much more obvious and painful this time of year. With friends posting pictures on social media and advertisements and movies showing idyllic families frolicking and having ideal holiday experiences, it is not uncommon to experience feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, sorrow, and grief, among others. Seeing these posts and movies is likely to be a reminder of the absence of any lost loved ones.
Discord
Tension at family gatherings is also very common. Holidays can bring about significant stress when there is a history of family members disagreeing and arguing over any topic. It can be uncomfortable for others not directly involved in the disagreement, especially children, and it is often very distressing for those directly involved. This seems to be especially true in America as political and religious beliefs become more polarized.
Family Expectations
Many families expect an appearance on or around specific holidays but there can be even more expectations from what to wear to who is cooking to what gifts are expected. With so many blended families in the world and adult children trying to balance time with all family members of all parties, time can be stretched thin and quality time can be virtually non-existent. This can also put an incredible amount of strain on relationships and individuals’ wellbeing.
Traditions
There can be a lot of pressure related to what the holidays will look like, both internally and from family members. Most of us were raised with certain traditions and beliefs and it is common for our families of origin to expect us to continue the traditions as they have always been. But what if your family has different beliefs or wants to start new traditions? What if you have kids and want to raise them differently? What if you don’t have kids and just want to have a quiet holiday at home alone or with a partner? It is okay to create new traditions and respect your own beliefs and ideas for the type of holiday that will fulfill your needs and the needs of any immediate family you have but it is likely to create frustration and confusion in the family of origin.
So what can you do about it?
Set Boundaries
It is okay to say no to events hosted by family, friends, colleagues, bosses, etc. It is okay to leave early or not be the person in charge for a change. It is okay to limit your activities to the ones that actually bring you joy, fulfillment and connectedness with those who matter most. It is also okay to tone down any events you are hosting and do less, let others help, and just relax the expectations. People may get disappointed or frustrated with the boundaries you set but you are not responsible for other people’s emotional reactions and it is important for you to focus on your needs.
Ultimately, the holidays are about celebration and family so that can be whatever you need it to be with whatever traditions, plans, and people (or a lack of those things) that fits who you are, who you want to celebrate with, and what you want those celebrations to look like.
Focus on Self-Care
I know, I know, self-care is that “fixall” thing that doesn’t actually fix anything on its own. I regularly get eye rolls when I start this conversation with clients but it is an important part of managing stress and maintaining mental health. Take time for yourself during the holidays and allow yourself the chance to have downtime. Anything from a few minutes a day to a full day each week is likely to make a difference in how run down you feel. Make sure to spend time doing things you enjoy but don’t just add them as another to do item or scheduled chore. Allow free time to do whatever will bring you peace and joy in that moment, even if that means doing nothing and staring at a wall!
Remember, it is okay to experience sadness or other distress during the holidays. While you watch others (in reality or in the media) in a seemingly endless time of joy, just know that many people suffer and struggle this time of year. It is actually one of the most common times for people to start therapy!
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